Dare to ask Dare
Expats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow
I am a fan from Texas. I love the picture of you in your Passport column. Yowza! (English for Hot Babe!). OK, my question: I have a partner, but I’ve wanted to get you naked and have NSA wild animal sex with you for years now, is that wrong?
Dear Horny Cowboy:
No. Although I suspect that your partner might disagree with me. But she might not. I have a boyfriend (or two or three) and I’ve wanted to get President Medvedev naked and have NSA wild animal sex with him for years now and I don’t think any of my fellows are too perturbed by that.
The only thing that’s troubling me: I don’t really know what “NSA” sex is. It has the whiff of a national security threat. Maybe my having sex with Medvedev would be that kind of threat, but I can’t see my having sex with a Texan being one. Unless of course, Cowboy, you’re actually Prez Bush?
One day I made an appointment with an Italian guy. He is in the prime of his life, handsome and sexy. And he was concerned about acquiring a family – well, almost a perfect guy. But I was 20 minutes late for the first date (you know, there were snowfalls in Moscow those days). And I was 25 minutes late for the second date as well (because of the traffic jams). I had sent him dozens of apologies by SMS explaining I’m on my way. Then I left my car somewhere and ran to meet him. Suddenly, there was nobody at the place. I phoned him and he told me “I left, because I’m not intended to wait for you that long. Maybe you Russians dare to be late, but we Italians never come late! So don’t call or write me anymore!” Then he just hang up the phone. Can you comment on that?
Dear Late, Late for a Very Important Date:
Let’s be honest. You Russians are always late. Yes, there is snow and traffic in Moscow, but I always manage to be on time by taking those factors into account. It’s not rocket science.
Still, your date was wrong to act the way he did. Particularly because he’s Italian. A long, long time ago, Saint Augustine was hanging out with a bunch of Italians in Rome. He had a problem and he turned to his mate Saint Ambrose and asked him if they should fast on Saturdays as was the custom in Rome, or not, as was the custom in Milan. We all know what St. Ambrose replied: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”
If this Italian guy of yours can’t adapt himself to Muscovite ways, he’s going to have a pretty hard time living here. And if he storms out on every Russian lady that’s late, he’s going to have a celibate life here.
Therefore my advice is really for him. As I mentioned, like him, I am always on time. So, whenever I have a date with a Russian, I bring a book along so I’ll have something to do for the predictable “waiting period.” Using this technique, I got through War & Peace in only three months recently.
Why don’t you send him a copy of this column and an Italian translation of Tolstoy’s masterpieces? One of two things will then happen. Either he will ask you out again OR he’ll ask me. Whichever way it turns out, at least one of us will get this hot-blooded hunk. After all, we wouldn’t want some prim and prompt Brit to get him, would we?
I am a guy from Australia and I find it ridiculous that all the other expats here don’t learn Russian (I did). Why is that?
Dear Sanctimoniously Bi-Lingual:
Why is it that you learned Russian? Or why is it that other expats don’t?
Why is it that you can’t construct a proper sentence?
Your question should have read: “I am a guy from Australia who has learned Russian. Why is it that other expats don’t learn it?”
I’ll assume that’s what you meant to ask me.
By and large, Moscow is a short-term assignment for expatriates. Let’s face it: this city’s not considered a “lifestyle” destination. People come here to make a lot of money fast and then get out as soon as they can. Under these circumstances, expats generally don’t think they have either the time or the necessity to learn Russian.
Of course, there’s another kind of expat. And I assume you fall into this small class. The distinguishing feature of this type of foreigner is that he (women don’t fall into this group) has learned Russian. And he did that for one reason and one reason only: to meet more Russian chicks.
I hope it’s working for you.
I suspect you of working for the KGB. Are you?
Dear President Bush Again, I Presume:
Must you write to me every day? Is this your way of saying you meant “KGB” sex?
This is the first time this particular accusation has been levelled at me. Usually, people just suspect I’m CIA. Which, if true, would limit me, I suppose, to only having boring old “CIA” sex.
Anyway, what self-respecting KGB, CIA or double agent would answer this question with a “yes”?
So obviously: no, I’m not KGB.