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Personal Opinion

Dare to ask Dare
Ex-pats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow.
Photo by Maria Savelieva

Dear Deidre:
Is there anywhere here where I can buy free-range chicken and organic fruit and vegetables?

Dear Healthy Nut:
You do realise that large quantities of produce still contaminated by the Chernobyl disaster are sold in the food markets of this fair city, don’t you?

You do realise that if it’s free-range you’re looking for in this fair city, you’ll have to roast a cat, don’t you?

You do realise you’re living in Moscow, Russia, don’t you???

Xxoo DD

P.S. You do realise that “organic” is the biggest scam ever and that only morons spend the extra money on it, don’t you?

Dear Deidre:
When I moved to Moscow from Dublin, I brought my girlfriend with me. We were planning on getting married some day. The problem is that now I want to break up with her. I met a Russian girl and want freedom to take that relationship further. But how can you break up with someone when they’ve quit their job and moved for you? I have to do it, but can’t get up the courage.

Dear Eats Potatoes:
In honour of St. Paddy’s Day, here’s a little limerick for you:

There once was a girl from Dublin
Who wanted a bonny husband
She moved to Moscow
But this man was shallow

So she whacked in his head with a truncheon


Dear Deidre:
I am fifteen years old and I want a boyfriend, but I don’t know how to get one. My grades are very good so all the boys think I am too serious. I know you don’t get questions from people as young as me, but I don’t know who else to ask. Please tell me. What can I do?

Dear Drinks Milk:
In honour of St. Paddy’s Day, here is a little limerick for you, too:

There once was a teen that was lucky
She was smart and serious and plucky
She wanted a boy
But he’d only annoy:
I’d advise her to purchase a puppy

Dear Deidre:
Why are men such cheating sh*ts?

Dear Has Issues:
Perchance, are you from Dublin?

Of course, I’ve had more than my fair share of suffering at the hands of the opposite sex, but I don’t think they are all that bad, really. And let’s remember that women cheat also (my ex husbands could certainly attest to that).

But I actually have a theory on why men are generally less faithful than women.

And it goes like this. I believe that men’s orgasms must be far better than ours. It’s something we can never know, but I’m absolutely convinced of it. Considering how good our orgasms are, imagine what it must be like for them if I’m right!

And, if I’m right, it would explain a laundry list of confusing and scary things:

Why do men think about sex every 52 seconds and women think about it only once a day?

Why isn’t the heterosexual male prostitution business booming?

Why is female prostitution the “oldest profession”? Why wouldn’t it be, say, hunting? Or gathering?

Why do men spend such a long time in the bathroom?

Why was Vaseline invented?

Or for that matter, baby oil?

Why would these sick freaks blow themselves and others up on the off-chance they’ll get to screw 72 virgins? And

Why on Earth would Harrison Ford marry Calista Flockhart?

Dear Deidre:
I’m doing a two-month detox to rid my body of the impurities of last year. I think I heard somewhere that if you do that each year, you can extend your life by almost ten years! The problem is that whenever I go out with a guy, they assume (because I’m not drinking) that I’m either a prude or an alcoholic. When I tell them I’m just detoxing, they don’t seem to believe me. I thought if you wrote about it in your column, it might help. So: do you ever detox?

Dear Dry Hole:
Uh, no.

But I was once at an ashram where there was no alcohol and I went on three dates whilst there (I was supposed to be finding myself, not entertaining myself with lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers, but what’s a girl to do?).

The problem is, my dear, that without alcohol, dating is boring to the point of beastly.

These guys believed you, they just found you dull.

You can die by dying or you can die by living: your choice.


Dear Deidre:
I hate my roommate. She comes home late and leaves the bathroom messy with cream. But she doesn’t even shave her leg! I am asking you for advise because she is a foreigner, like you. Should I kick her out?

Dear Riled Roomy:
No. You should see a shrink.


Dear Deidre:
What did you think of the Khodorkovsky verdict and sentence?

Dear Unhealthy Nut:
You do realise I’m not Hillary Clinton, don’t you?

You do realise I don’t want to join Mikhail in Siberia, don’t you?

You do realise you’re living in Moscow, Russia, don’t you???


Do you have a question for Deidre Dare? If so, please email her at

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