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Personal Opinion

I am an Island
Anth Ginn

Britain is an island in more than one sense of the word. The establishment is cut off from reality, just as much as the mainland is cut off from Europe. I’m sure the problem starts with their education. We all live in a world where the sun never sets on the British Empire. After all, Australia and New Zealand still have our beloved Queen on their money (I don’t mean Elton John), Hawaii still has the Union Jack on their state flag, Canada replaced the Queen on their banknotes with copulating animals a few years ago (but news hasn’t yet reached our shores.) We still dream we are a world power, and our moth-eaten generals send a few troops, with their ancient equipment, to any global conflict they can find. We stand shoulder to kneecap with the US.

We’re an island of inbred wierdos. Nowhere is this more obvious than in our dealings with the royal family. The British Royal Family, like tacky Hindu gurus, mentally challenged Christian preachers, and Popes, believe they are on Earth to do the work of God. If you think I’m exaggerating, read the words of the Archbishop of Canterbury, when he crowned Queen Elizabeth II, just before he gave her a sword to “terrorise and punish evildoers”,

“And as Solomon was anointed king by Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet, so be thou anointed, blessed, and consecrated Queen over the Peoples, whom the Lord thy God hath given thee to rule and govern”.

Meanwhile the Country, under the new coalition government, and its lightweight, public-school debating-society cabinet, continues to slide down the tubes. Under the banner of “The Big Society”, unemployment rises, wages fall, social services are trashed and the poor left to fend for themselves. Inflation is kicking in again, much to the surprise of young George, the chancellor. (Maybe it’s something to do with printing all those billions of extra fifty pound notes, known as “quantatitive easing”). The Tories, who showed their new green credentials by having a tree as their logo, are trying to sell off our forests to logging companies and private developers. Unrest is growing, spearheaded by student protester armed with fire extinguishers, setting fire to litter bins. Revolution is in the air.

However, all is not lost. Just as the country is falling apart at the seams, along comes an event to unite us, put that negativity behind us and put a smile back on our cheeky British faces. I’m talking about the forthcoming Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, at Westminster Abbey on April 29th. Over a million are expected to grovel in the gutter as the royal carriage drives past.

The royals are keen to show us that Kate is just an ordinary girl of the people. Her father is just a humble millionaire and, as a cost-cutting gesture, and to show she’s a commoner she’ll arrive in a little, unassuming Rolls Royce. However, once married, she’ll leave in a horse drawn, golden coach, escorted by thousands of soldiers and several marching bands.

The British press are wetting their pants. They love royal weddings. The collapse of the economy, the plight of the poor, the end of our forests, the revolting students can all be forgotten now we have serious issues on our plate.

Will we have to call her Catherine instead of Kate? (No announcement yet.) What dress will she wear? (No announcement yet.) Who will play Kate in the forthcoming movie? (Camilla Luddington). What will the ring be like? (Taken from the finger of a dead woman.)

Nobody is quite sure how much this pantomime will cost. In these times of dark austerity the Royal Family are keen to show they are tightening their belts too. They’re also keeping quiet about the bill. It’s estimated that the cost to the economy, i.e.: days off work to grovel, will cost the nation £5 billion. It’s estimated that the reception will come to about £10 million, including the gold napkins, security will come to anything up to £80 million, including armoured vehicles, helicopters and surveillance. It’s good to see that the establishment is not immune from the effects of the recession.

Of course there’s a positive effect on the economy. Commemorative junk has been flooding to Britain from China for weeks. You can already buy your lifesize cardboard cut out of the happy couple (free standing or stick on the wall) for £29.99, your royal wedding mug, plate, replica ring (removed from the hand of a replica dead princess), commemorative bible, teatowel, fridge magnet, clock, pen, cigarette lighter and even a thimble (with a picture of the happy couple). There’s nothing like a royal wedding to get the economy back on its feet again.

No doubt, on the day, the TV will be full of the biggest, mentally challenged idiots they can find, drooling and waving their union flags, spluttering crap like, “She’s the peoples princess. I love her. She’s made me so happy.”

I’ll leave the last word to the church. Pete Broadbent, a bishop in Willesden, said Kate Middleton and Prince William were “shallow celebrities” and predicted their marriage would last seven years, the Royal Family was full of “broken marriages and philanderers” and he was disappointed that the wedding would cost the public “an arm and a leg”. He said we need a party in Calais for all good republicans who can’t stand the nauseating tosh that surrounds this event,”.

In true British fashion, the bishop was forced to grovel, apologise, and crawl around Buckingham Palace for 24 hours, on his hands and knees, singing, “God save the queen.” He was then suspended from all holy duties and sent to Craggy Island.

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