Dare to ask Dare
Ex-pats and Russians alike ask celebrity columnist Deidre Dare questions about life in Moscow.
Photo by Maria Savelieva
I have been married to my wife for a very long time and now cannot have sex with her unless I am fantasizing. I don’t fantasize about things I’d like to do: I fantasize about other women, so don’t tell me to ask my wife to indulge my fantasies. She’d have to metamorphise. She’s a fat English woman over 50 who has given birth to three children and Moscow is full of much more beautiful women, in my opinion. Is what I’m doing okay?
Dear Trips the Light Fantastic:
We’re always told that it is perfectly normal to fantasize during sex. For instance, it seems to be a running joke in every banal situation comedy that women everywhere need to conjure up Brad Pitt to get off.
I, however, disagree entirely. I believe it is completely abnormal.
I think that at the point when someone needs to envision someone or something else when they are having sex with another human being, they should get the hell out of bed with that person, for clearly they are no longer fulfilled by him or her.
It’s stating the obvious to say that no one fantasizes at the beginning of a sexual relationship. No one has to. In the beginning one still has passion, pent up desire and lust—all the things that make sex fun. Once those are gone, sex loses its power. Even, eventually, its allure.
A long-married woman close to me told me that these days she prefers the feeling a good sneeze gives her to the feeling of an orgasm during sex with her husband. Seriously. Next on her list after a sneeze was—how should I put this?—well, a satisfying evacuation of the bowels. The orgasm came in third place, right before a massage. Again, seriously.
It’s no secret that I believe almost everyone lives sexually unfulfilled lives (something I simply refuse to do) so I think that the “it’s normal” line reflects the fact that this phenomenon is ubiquitous. And whilst people may long that it were, ubiquitous is not the same as normal. For example, Kudzu is ubiquitous in Charlotte, North Carolina (where I once lived) but, having been imported before its destructive capabilities were known, certainly not normal.
The other part of the problem is that someone fantasizing is not present and in the moment for their partner. How awful to be screwing someone who is miles away in their imagination, screwing some hot Russian chick they saw on the Metro? Especially when the Russian chick is probably doing all sorts of wild things with other Russian chicks in a steamy banya? Or in a cage? Or in a cage in a steamy banya?
In my own life, I reserve the use of sexual fantasy for “self-pleasuring” and, in bed, actually screw the person thrusting away on top of me. Or beneath me. Or behind me...
I never understood the point of being in bed with someone who doesn’t turn you on. Particularly since being turnedon by a lover actually in a bed with you is one of the best feelings in the world. Just writing about it makes me hot.
As for the sexual fantasies that involve doing things with the person you’re with: say, like being put in a cage in a steamy banya with Russian chicks, I just tell my lovers what I want and they are always happy to oblige.
I don’t think we should have sexual bucket lists. In fact, I don’t think we should have bucket lists at all: we should do everything we want to do and damn the torpedoes. Nothing annoys me more than being back in the States and hearing people tell me they hope that someday, before they die, they get to see the Pyramids. Because, you see, the Pyramids, like the Northern Lights, are on their bucket lists. My life is my bucket list. In other words, if it’s something I want to do, I do it. So, I’ve seen the Pyramids and the Northern Lights. And, by the way, I’ve been put in a cage.
I do believe, nonetheless, that sexual fantasy has a role in our lives. For “selfpleasuring,” nothing beats the world of the sexually imagined.
I travel a lot and, in consequence, sometimes must endure trying dry periods. It used to be that I would get hung up a lot at airport security because most vibrators under an x-ray machine resemble, most unfortunately, bullets (and some other Weapons of Mini Destruction). It didn’t take me long to learn that leering glances from the oafs at TSA are unendurable. With ingenuity, I adapted my SonicCare Electric Toothbrush to the job and now pass unheeded through Oafsville.
Toothbrush in hand, out come the sexual fantasies: including the one with the hot Russian chick doing all sorts of wild things with other Russian chicks in a cage in a steamy banya.
I suggest you divorce your wife or, at the very least, take a mistress. Maybe you should lurk around the Sandunovsky Banya and see what kind of trouble you can get into? Or, since I’m travelling alone and in Los Angeles this month, you could meet me here. My teeth are very clean.
Dear Deidre: I get a lot of “self” pleasure from eating. I have tried doing this while running my SonicCare Electric Toothbrush but I find using it only inhibits mastication. What do you advise?
Dear Masticator: If you can give yourself an oralgasm like that, you are ahead of me. Could you fly out to LA and show me how? Like, tonight, dude?